Antiques Store Humor: Seeded, Please Keep Off

I never knew there was such a thing as antiques store humor. And God help me, I wish I'd never found out.

Not really. I enjoy a good joke as much as anyone.

The other day a customer came into ye olde antiques mall and told me he had purchased a sign many moons ago, similar to the one pictured below, in the store I work in.

I wondered where this was going.

The customer, an older man, proclaimed,"The first one of my daughters that gets pregnant, I'm going to post my sign on her lawn: SEEDED, PLEASE KEEP OFF."

I chuckled, then replied, "Oh, dad!"

He admitted his girls might have reason to say "oh dad" but I could tell he was going to do it anyway.

Hmm, I was thinking his proposed public use of his antique "seeded" sign might be one of the most ingenious methods of birth control devised.

Politically Incorrect Antiques: Who Says Antiques Can't Be Funny & Fun?

Who says antiques can't be fun and funny? You won't hear that from me.

I am NOT an antiques expert--but I like to play one on the internet. Actually I spent about 15 years selling antiques, collectibles and plain junk on the internet, so I never got to meet any of my customers in person.

So, when we moved to Florence--the antiques capital of Colorado, I began working in some of the antiques stores. And antiques dealers are a humorous lot--which I never realized.

We sit around laughing and joking about our antiques, other people's antiques and the paradox that is attempting to know what people want to buy. The day one decides that a pile of stuff that has been sitting on one's booth is sheer junk, a mistake, a lapse in judgement and needs to be carted off--is usually the day someone comes in and falls in love with it and buys it all.

And usually when you've found a piece that you think is so fine, so exquisite and magnificent--is the day you overhear someone chuckling that it is weird.

But here's what you often find antiques dealers chuckling over the most--politically incorrect antiques. I personally chuckle the most over clown collectibles and antiques and have made outrageous fun of those oddities in previous blog posts.

So, in honor of having fun in the antiques trade, occasionally I'll highlight a politically incorrect antique or collectible. Just to be clear--some of these antiques or collectibles, I'd have in my own home. I'm not making fun of the dealers or the items necessarily--just how times have changed with modern science and knowledge and how some items are hopelessly hysterical and amusing when viewed through the lens of modern times.(I have to say that because I don't want to be politically incorrect and offend anyone).  And it's most often customers that will come in and laughingly comment on what fun it is.

So, what antique or collectible cracks you up the most?

Confessions Of An Antiques Store Worker: Florence, Italy or Florence, Colorado?

I've worked a few places in my life. And they all have had their moments. But truly the most interesting jobs I've ever had is working at several antiques shops.

Confessions of an antiques store worker? No, you won't find anything too spicy here. Just mildly amusing or heartwarming. But then, just about anything amuses me or makes my heart melt.

Here's today's--Who Says Antiques Can't Be Fun?

My confessions come from working in Florence, the antiques capital of Colorado. No, I've never worked with either of the Keno brothers (pictured above), of Antiques Roadshow fame, but I did get to see them years ago in Denver at an Antiques Roadshow taping. And they are just as hyper and charming, jumping all around the furniture, in person as on TV.

Today I was working at ye olde antiques store and a father and daughter came in. He purchased a few old bottles and some Life magazines. He bought his daughter a nice, but inexpensive turquoise ring. She thanked him profusely.

I was warmed by it. Just observing a father and daughter out for a fun day was nice.

As I handed him his bag, he said," Today my wife is arriving in Florence, Italy. So when I talked to her I said, 'Well we are ALSO going to be in Florence today!'"

I chuckled. "Where are you all from?"

He said Colorado Springs, but he just had to come to Florence today--so he could feel a connection and make a little family joke and memory about them all being in Florence today, even though his wife was visiting their other daughter who was studying in Florence, Italy.

I said,"And that begs the question, which Florence is the better place to be today?"

He laughed, but I could tell he thought it was a tie, because each parent was sharing a special moment with their daughters in Florence, at almost the same moment.

Florence, Colorado: Who Says GITMO & Antiques Can't Be Funny?

Who says GITMO and antiques can't be funny? Come on, I can't make this stuff up. But this week, someone I am acquainted with DID make Guantanamo Bay AND antiques funny--right here in Florence, Colorado.

We noted a few days ago that Florence made the national FOX news, reporting on Pentagon officials touring Supermax in Florence and the state penitentiary in nearby Canon City as possible places to relocate Guantanamo Bay detainees. I happened to be watching from a Japanese restaurant on Florence's Main St. when one news camera crew was packing its gear. I had no idea what it was all about until I saw the FOX national news the next day. And someone told me it was also on a local (Colorado Springs) NBC channel.

Ah, but they reported the straight news. Boy, was I in for a treat today when I discovered there was yet another news report that was delicious. Yes, it's the one that proves Gitmo AND antiques can be funny.

I was casually strolling down Main. St. when Larry Nelson, owner of Florence Antiques, informed me that Florence had been on the news. I said I knew and I had done a little mention of it on my blog.

No, I was told--Larry Nelson himself was on the news. Larry escorted me and my unsuspecting spouse inside Florence Antiques to Larry's computer where he showed us the news video.

For our local readers (and our readers out of the area) below is a picture of Larry I took last year when we were doing steampunk events for the steampunk festival last April. Yes, that's a steam gauge in Larry's mouth. And yes, I am giving you a hint, that FOX 31 News of Denver was in for a journalistic roller coaster of a ride.

Yes, Mr. Nelson is wearing overalls. But that's besides the point.

Let's backtrack. I used to live in Denver, for a brief time, and I remember watching Justin Joseph on FOX 31 News. I always considered him as a journalist that stood out from the rest. And Joseph did not let me down. But I am fairly certain that when Joseph set out to report on the Pentagon officials in Florence AND the antiques scene in Florence (the antiques capital of Colorado) he had no idea he would inadvertently be shooting the next pilot for a new reality show about the Florence antiques scene, starring Larry Nelson.

Most of us in the antiques trade in Florence, already knew Larry would make a good reality TV star. We just didn't know how he'd play out on the telly, since we'd never seen him on the telly. I'll get to that later.

Here's a link to the FOX 31 News video, featuring Supermax AND Larry Nelson. I can ASSURE you that even though Supermax looms large in reality and in legend on the outskirts of Florence proper--Mr. Nelson's personality loomed larger that Supermax, Guantanamo or the Pentagon. Stinking Pentagon. We don't need no stinking Pentagon officials--Florence has Larry Nelson and that's enough, thank you very much!

http://kdvr.com/2015/10/13/pentagon-officials-look-at-colorado-prisons-as-possible-homes-for-guantanamo-detainees/

The news video starts with Larry narrating," Welcome to Florence, the capital of antiques."

The news package is actually a work of art--interspersing shots of inmates, barbed wire, Supermax and some really cool Toby mugs in Larry's antiques shop.

I really have to tip my vintage hat off to FOX news. Even on the national story, they balanced the Gitmo story and Supermax with the antiques culture in Florence. But FOX 31 in Denver, really did it up right.

There were a few interviews with folks (on the streets of Florence) who were not terribly happy about Gitmo folks potentially parking their felonious butts in Florence, along with the rest of the inmates.

Now, Larry Nelson of Florence Antiques--he has few qualms about that. "That's OK, they won't get out of there," he told the reporter with a hearty laugh.

OK, everyone knows deep down that we are much more interested in antiques in Florence and eccentrics like Larry Nelson, than we are in what goes on at Supermax. Most people agree that no one has ever escaped--and if they did, I pity them, because they really don't know what type of folks live in Florence. But they do now.

And what other antiques shop owners and dealers wanted to know (all of whom had NO idea Larry had been on the news until I told them) was if this brought a few more browsers and customers into Florence. Larry had told me that people actually told him they saw him on the news in Denver and drove to Denver to see what he and his store were about. Watch the video! Larry just got Florence, about a zillion dollars worth of free publicity. There we hoards of people browsing in Florence right after these multitude of stories played in Colorado Springs, Denver and nationally.

And how does Larry play on TV? You be the judge. But I can tell you--that's exactly the Larry most people know in Florence. He does translate to TV.

I told another dealer about the video. She and I went back to Larry's store and she saw the video and I watched it for the second delightful time. The other dealer insisted that Larry shop for his own reality TV show immediately. Actually she had told Larry that last year. I seconded the motion. Only time will tell. But I guarantee you--I don't know anyone besides Larry Nelson and Justin Joseph of FOX News 31 that could have made Gitmo AND antiques funny.

But what was really funny was that Larry didn't seem to understand what the other dealer and I were telling him about--that he plays well on TV and we were not joking when we said he needs to get his own TV show.

Who Says Antiques Can't Be Funny? Slightly Naughty Girls

Jenny is my favorite strumpet of the day.

Oh, Jenny you naughty girl. I know I always wear stilettos, seamed nylons, a garter belt and a ruffly pair of skimpy bloomers to do some steam cleaning.  Don't you? I even dress up like a French maid when I am cleaning toilets. Actually I don't, but my husband might enjoy that.

Have you no shame, you turn-of-the century hottie? At least Jenny has some style and some, well clothing. I learn something new on every antiques and collectibles junket and today I learned that it looks like they might have had bikini waxes about a hundred years ago. I did not know that.

Who Says Antiques Can't Be Funny? Umm--And Crazy!

Yes, I find some antiques funny. OK, I find most of life pretty darn funny. Yes, I live in Florence--the antiques capital of Colorado and it was here I discovered just how funny antiques can really be.

A few weeks ago, many antiques shops decorated windows for Pioneer Days. I took some pictures of the windows at Legends and Lace, and the Iron Gate Antiques Mall, both on Florence's Main St.

For some odd reason, I was allowed to get a little crazy with the window at the Iron Gate. I showed some pictures of the display and some corny signs I printed up in previous blog posts. Naturally, I was a bit curious as to the reaction browsers and customers would have. I totally get that some people would think it was a bit over the top. In fact, one of the employees commented on how corny it was. When I casually mentioned that I might have had something to do with that travesty--the review changed to: cute.

Some feedback came in from customers. Sophisticated. I was surprised by that one. But the proof was in how much attention a window gets and how many of the items showcased actually sell from the window. OK, on both counts.

But sometimes things can backfire!

To refresh your memories. This was one of the corny things we did in the window.

That's an antique surgery or dental table. And the leg is a vintage prosthesis.

I thought it was corny. But hey, you try and decorate a window based on the items vendors have in their booths and somehow get a theme going.

So, here's where it almost backfired. I was sitting in Iron Gate Antique Mall by the door on an antique church pew. OK, I know it's sacrilegious to think of someone of my ilk to be in a church pew. But it's located by the door and occasionally I sit there and greet customers.

The pew has a great view of the entire window. I noticed two gentleman walking by, then they put on the brakes and stopped by the "leg" display. Even though I couldn't hear them, I could see them quivering with laughter.

I was thinking" Thank God! Someone besides me think this is a little amusing.

But these guys were laughing so hard, I was wondering why. They then came in the store.

As I greeted them (without mentioning I noticed them guffawing outside) I noticed the gentleman laughing the hardest had a leg prosthesis. I inwardly cringed, thinking: Oh my God! In my wildest window-decorating fantasies, I NEVER even thought of how people who were missing a limb would take this. What have I done!?

The men greeted me and strode by, still chuckling. They never once mentioned it was offensive.

And that's when I realized, if someone with a partially missing leg thought it was hysterically funny--then I too could come out of the closet and be as corny as I want.

Yes, even though it almost backfired: Who Says Antiques Can't Be Funny?

Florence can't be the only place in the country with some funny antiques. Feel free to send us your funny antiques' pictures and maybe we'll put the on the blog.