Florence,Colorado: Scary Nightmare Fuel Antiques & Collectibles

Florence is the undisputed antiques capital of Colorado. We have more antique stores per capita than any other town in the state. And the town boasts stunning world-class antiques, collectibles and art. But sometimes it's fun to take a tour of the nightmare fuel items that could surely be used to decorate a set of a Stephen King movie.

This is a paper mache dog from the Victorian era. Someone got a little festive for the holidays and put some tinsel in his fur. But it still scared the beejeezus out of me (and many antiques browsers). It turns out he is rare and a child's toy--and not many of them survived. The dogs, not the children. I'm pretty sure most of the children survived their childhoods, since this was only a toy a rich family could afford. However, I won't speak to how they survived psychologically.

Now this imp also scares many browsers. I've heard rumors that Doctors Freud and Spock built their careers on attempting to undo the damage some of these toys had on previous generations.

Now this dude's tongue moves. So does mine, in a silent scream, whenever I take this out of the locked case and show him to customers. He's fashioned as a mask/hat--so you can wear him. New Year's masquerade ball anyone? Criminal disguise? Someone actually told me the other day they were sending their significant other to the store and hoped this item would be their Christmas gift. If someone gifted me with this beauty--well, it wouldn't be an amicable breakup...

Oh my. Vintage sombrero-wearing salt and pepper shakers. Besides how "attractive" they are--when you pop their hats off, the raised shakers rather look like brain matter. I think I'll purchase these as part of my weight loss program.

And if I really want to take off the pounds, I could purchase these clown salt and pepper shakers. The spices come through holes in their feet--which is extra appealing.

Florence, Colorado: Weird But Wonderful Little Pioneer Town

I'm always curious about what other people are saying about Florence, Colorado. Why? I'm just plain nosy, that's why. And I came across this delightful blog, Cake Spy, that has a nice post about our town. http://www.cakespy.com/blog/2015/4/19/a-sweet-visit-to-florence-colorado.html

According to the blog writer, Florence is a "weird but wonderful little pioneer town." I couldn't agree with her more!

Check out the Cakespy blog. I haven't had a chance to read much more than the Florence, Colorado entry--but it looks like a great blog. Anytime a blog is devoted to sugar, cake and spying--I am totally up with that.

I did learn something at the Cake Spy tonight. There is a rumor circulating that cinnamon rolls might be the official food of our fair, glucose-ridden town. I have enough rolls around my mid section and try to avoid sweets (ha!) so I wasn't aware we had so many cinnamon rolls in town. I will have to remedy that situation as soon as I can.

Yes, Florence is a weird, but wonderful little pioneer town. Its beautiful streets are filled with great eateries, stunning architecture, fabulous antiques shops and indoor and outdoor art.

But underneath its adorable image lies the darker, weirder side:Too many cinnamon rolls. Though I have not yet independently confirmed that yet. AND...

Lest, we not forget. Florence, Colorado not only has the largest amount of antiques stores per capita in the state, it also has one of the highest rates of clown collectibles lurking in its stores. AND I have independently confirmed that.

Arrrgh! The Florence clown angst! The clown on the left could improve his disposition with the official food of Florence: a cinnamon roll. The clown on the left has already had his cinnamon roll sugar high and his quiet smirk of satisfaction tells the whole story.

Florence, Colorado: The Epicenter of Scary Clowns

The King of Impeccable Taste reminded me today that Florence, Colorado IS the antiques capital of Colorado and that while he enjoys mocking a scary clown or two, that many people actually collect and enjoy clowns.

I told him to prove it and he just stood there with a slack jaw. The King is pretty good at comebacks and came up with this. "Well, they would not have manufactured so many clowns to begin with if there was not a demand."

"Tell that to the Goodwills and thrift stores across the world that are overrun with an abundance of clowns." I smirked.

We'll never win this battle. So, as usual we'll just let the clowns speak for themselves.

All I'm saying is that if Florence is the antiques capital and has the highest amount of antiques stores per capita in the state, then it isn't a far reach that the town just might have the highest capita of scary clowns.

I suppose this clown could be a good learning tool. Perhaps give it to one's young son and tell him: "Why Junior, this clown has a receding hairline just like your dear, old dad. There is such a thing as male pattern balding. So when you grow up, you won't be surprised. And try and get a good education and job, so you can afford some hair plugs."

Oh, my! There's price tags on all of us. Doesn't anyone realize that if you paid people to take us away, we still probably wouldn't get good homes?

Why the little doll dressed up as a bear has a look on her face like she just saw something shocking! Wait, it couldn't be because she just saw a hideous clown stuck in with legit collectibles, could it?

Just When You Think You Found All The Scary Clowns

Just when I think I've located all the scary clowns in Florence, Colorado--some more arise to bite me in my antique-loving tush.

I'll forgive this scary clown because at least he's true vintage and surrounded by some pretty rocking vintage goodies.

But I don't have the same slightly warm fuzzy feelings for this dude. He looks vaguely drugged. Is that a horn, or he sucking on a crack pipe?

Now honestly look me in the eye and my bulbous red nose and tell me that this clown does not look like he has a creepy intent and he is stalking the angel.

Now The Scary Clowns Are Getting Rebellious

It was the Queen of the Delightfully Tacky, who was upstairs at The Iron Gate Mall stocking her booth when she screamed," Oh my God! I wasn't even looking for it, but there it is. Another scary clown."

As usual, I trembled with joy and just happened to have my camera.

But this clown is more than scary--he's a touch rebellious.

Can't you see it in his face and his upraised arms? He's planning some type of scary clown rebellion. I can't figure out if he's plotting against the innocent sock monkey or planning to over take me and the Queen of the Delightfully Tacky.

We'll just have to keep an eye on this guy. I think we finally have found the leader of the scary clowns in Florence.

What Would Martha Stewart Do About Florence's Scary Clowns?

I sit up nights wondering what Martha Stewart would do if she was in Florence, Colorado browsing and noticed the amount of scary clowns running amok.

Would she run screaming to the offices of Architectural Digest for a cleansing? Or would she do what the Queen of Questionable Taste does and look those scary clowns in the eyes and immortalize them for the whole world to see?

I think she is a brave and talented woman with impeccable taste who would figure out a creative way for people to use scary clowns in decorating.

If she were as scared of the clowns as I was, I think she'd have too much class to show it.

Since I have little class, I'll just keep on showing the tour of Florence's scary clowns and giving myself the willies.

 Oh my goodness! I can't decide if that's a price tag around the clown's neck or he's finally had enough of this cold, cruel world and decided to do himself in. Please, don't do it clown!

 OK, I give this clown permission to do himself in.

 Stop the madness. This isn't Ringling Brothers. This is Florence for goodness sake!

This clown is saying,"Ssshhh! I have a secret. The Queen of Questionable Taste must die soon. She has done more to discredit our kind than all the previous generations of clown mockers before her."