Who Says Arts & Crafts Can't Be Funny? The Worst Atrocity I've Ever Seen

You want ugly? You want something so horrific it will burn your retinas? Then don't look at this picture. It's the worst of crafts and collectibles. It's the worst mankind can create with a pair of pantyhose, some poly fluff and some demonic artist inspiration.

When The King of Impeccable Taste saw these, he dubbed them Adam and Eve and suggested they go hide their shame. I was too fixated on the fact that these creations from hell were showcased in a frigging Cup O' Noodles box. I kid you not. True story! Everything on this blog is  true--but this is really true. And what transpired after I took the pictures is also true.

I don't have a good enough camera to pick up the fact that these pantyhose beauties were VERY pilled. Like somebody had rubbed them way too much.

I screamed and took another picture and the owner of these geriatric soft poly fluff porn dolls actually told me I could take them home for FREE!

I gasped and looked at him and said, "I thought our vague friendship meant more to you than that!"

Apparently it did not.

Hell no! These atrocities and the frigging Cup O' Noodles box stayed in this store. If I took these home, I'd be demoted from The Queen of Questionable Taste to The Queen of Satan's Interior Decorating Staff.


The Queen of Questionable Taste is a part-time antiques and collectibles dealer and a mocker of  tacky, ugly, FUNky  and horrid collectibles and other questionable items, but takes special glee in mocking scary clowns. The Queen appreciates a good antique and some collectibles, but insists that another man's trash is always trash--unless of course someone is willing to pay the big bucks for it. The Queen used to be a newspaper reporter and also wrote for a major national magazine. The Queen enjoys decorating her home in the tacky pseudo-Victorian gypsy funk style, gardening, reading and acting offended when her husband, The King of Impeccable Taste, makes folk art out of junk he scrounges for free from alleys and other people's yards and out of the Arkansas River. The Queen and her husband have lived in colorful Colorado for over 20 years and LOVE it.

What I Found In Florence, The Antiques Capital of Colorado: Random Acts Of Kindess

As you know, I have a feature around here--where I overhear people saying what they found in Florence. Then I bring out my camera and notepad and ask for their story. So far, no one has refused.

But more often than not, I find something in Florence. This week it was, random acts of kindness. Nice moments that I wouldn't interrupt and necessarily ask for the person's name, story and picture.

First two ladies came into the antiques shop. One collects chickens. She found two that she didn't think she had. These were adorable miniature glass chicken dishes with lids. I could tell she wanted both, but she just got one. I could tell her friend could also tell she wanted both.

They came back a short time later and her friend asked me to get the other chicken out of the showcase. "It's her birthday soon. So I am buying her birthday gift early."

"At least you know she'll absolutely love it," I said. It reminds me of what my husband and I do sometimes. One of us will find something neat that we just feel great about treating ourselves to--and the other will buy it for a far-off birthday or holiday or occasion. My husband started this tradition and claimed that by the time the occasion rolled around, I would forget he bought the item right in front of me. The first time he did that, I scoffed. Surely, I would remember, even if the occasion was several months off.

Not so! And so a tradition was born. And apparently these two cute ladies had the same thing going on. A random act of kindness.

A few hours later another customer came in.

He brought a Marx tin wind-up toy truck to the counter and asked me what the price was. The price was very clearly marked on the label. Apparently he thought the price was too good to be true and wanted me to confirm it. I told him it was a cheap price for a Marx (under $20) but it was because the wind-up mechanism didn't work.

"That's OK," he smiled," I volunteer over at the veteran's nursing home and there is a gentleman who lives there who loves to fix things like this."

Yes, another random act of kindness. A volunteer, spending his own money to bring even more purpose to a veteran's hands and a smile to his face.

Thanks to that veteran for his service and thanks to that volunteer for his service.

And that's just a little of what I found in Florence this week.

Florence Brewing Company: Serious Craft Beer In Fremont County

Everytime I think it can't get much better than living in Florence, Colorado--another reason pops up (or should I say, hops up) that makes living in this picturesque town gets even better. This spring, Florence Brewing Company will be opening at 200 S. Pikes Peak Ave. in a lovely historical building.

The Florence Brewing Company will be bringing its own craft beers to the establishment, and attempting to use locally sourced hops and other ingredients, as much as possible.

The FBC will be opening where the Florence Citizen newspaper has been located for decades. The newspaper will continue operating in a smaller portion of the building.

You can read all about it at: https://www.facebook.com/FlorenceBrewingCompany

I think we have a winner here!

Who Says Antiques Can't Be Funny? Slightly Naughty Girls

Jenny is my favorite strumpet of the day.

Oh, Jenny you naughty girl. I know I always wear stilettos, seamed nylons, a garter belt and a ruffly pair of skimpy bloomers to do some steam cleaning.  Don't you? I even dress up like a French maid when I am cleaning toilets. Actually I don't, but my husband might enjoy that.

Have you no shame, you turn-of-the century hottie? At least Jenny has some style and some, well clothing. I learn something new on every antiques and collectibles junket and today I learned that it looks like they might have had bikini waxes about a hundred years ago. I did not know that.

Who Says Collectibles Can't Be Funny? Satan Pig, A Sign Of The Apocalypse

The King of Impeccable Taste is a cool character. Not much rattles him. He can look a scary clown in the eye and not flinch. He can see a ratty voodoo doll and only chuckle. He can whip up steampunk junk and fry up bacon in a pan and never, never let me forget he's a man and almost always has impeccable taste.

But one thing on our junket through Florence today rattled him. You know it has to be good to rattle him.

Of course, I screamed, "Come over here. This falls in the category: What The Hell Is This Doing In An Antiques Store." That's what I screamed. But this a family-friendly blog, so I usually refer to things as, what the heck is this doing in an antiques store.

But this thing definitely reminded us both of hell.

I am not lying. The King actually said," What the hell is a Satan Pig doing in here? Pigs don't have horns. I believe this thing is one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse."

"You mean, the sign of Calypso?" I asked. "The tag says it's a Mexican folk art pig. Maybe Calypso made it's way into Mexico more than I suspected?"

"I said Apocalypse," the King said tersely.

Still stunned, I looked for reason and logic in the world of folk art and collectibles.

After all, I have Frida Kahlo collectibles and books. I am a huge fan. I know that Frida, even at her grittiest, would not inflict a Satan Pig into the world of folk art--nor would any folk artist of her fine nation.

 Yes, the King kept hissing,"It's a Satan Pig. You cannot explain it away,"  as he did the sign of the cross.

OK, there are certain things in the world of collectibles and art you just can't explain away. So in order to cleanse and absolve myself, I went on another junket in Florence, the antiques capital of Colorado-- to find more scary clowns. It turns out there are indeed scarier things than clowns.

Who Says Antiques Can't Be Funny? Umm--And Crazy!

Yes, I find some antiques funny. OK, I find most of life pretty darn funny. Yes, I live in Florence--the antiques capital of Colorado and it was here I discovered just how funny antiques can really be.

A few weeks ago, many antiques shops decorated windows for Pioneer Days. I took some pictures of the windows at Legends and Lace, and the Iron Gate Antiques Mall, both on Florence's Main St.

For some odd reason, I was allowed to get a little crazy with the window at the Iron Gate. I showed some pictures of the display and some corny signs I printed up in previous blog posts. Naturally, I was a bit curious as to the reaction browsers and customers would have. I totally get that some people would think it was a bit over the top. In fact, one of the employees commented on how corny it was. When I casually mentioned that I might have had something to do with that travesty--the review changed to: cute.

Some feedback came in from customers. Sophisticated. I was surprised by that one. But the proof was in how much attention a window gets and how many of the items showcased actually sell from the window. OK, on both counts.

But sometimes things can backfire!

To refresh your memories. This was one of the corny things we did in the window.

That's an antique surgery or dental table. And the leg is a vintage prosthesis.

I thought it was corny. But hey, you try and decorate a window based on the items vendors have in their booths and somehow get a theme going.

So, here's where it almost backfired. I was sitting in Iron Gate Antique Mall by the door on an antique church pew. OK, I know it's sacrilegious to think of someone of my ilk to be in a church pew. But it's located by the door and occasionally I sit there and greet customers.

The pew has a great view of the entire window. I noticed two gentleman walking by, then they put on the brakes and stopped by the "leg" display. Even though I couldn't hear them, I could see them quivering with laughter.

I was thinking" Thank God! Someone besides me think this is a little amusing.

But these guys were laughing so hard, I was wondering why. They then came in the store.

As I greeted them (without mentioning I noticed them guffawing outside) I noticed the gentleman laughing the hardest had a leg prosthesis. I inwardly cringed, thinking: Oh my God! In my wildest window-decorating fantasies, I NEVER even thought of how people who were missing a limb would take this. What have I done!?

The men greeted me and strode by, still chuckling. They never once mentioned it was offensive.

And that's when I realized, if someone with a partially missing leg thought it was hysterically funny--then I too could come out of the closet and be as corny as I want.

Yes, even though it almost backfired: Who Says Antiques Can't Be Funny?

Florence can't be the only place in the country with some funny antiques. Feel free to send us your funny antiques' pictures and maybe we'll put the on the blog.

We Found YOU In Florence, The Antiques Capital Of Colorado: Alison Helsley & Rose-Marie Gerschefske

A priest, a rabbi and a parrot walk into a bar…No, wait! Two nice young women walk into a store in Florence, the antiques capital of Colorado and buy a tractor crankshaft… OK, now I have the story correct.

As most regular blog readers know, I semi-recently  started a new feature here. It’s simple. Not long ago, a marketing campaign started in Florence—Find It In Florence. I have nothing to do with that campaign. But since I am a perennially curious former newspaper reporter who has always been fascinated with the true stories evident in seemingly ordinary life—I decided to see what would happen when I pop out of nowhere with a camera and a notepad and ask people what they are going to do with that antiques’ find, they discovered in Florence. So, now we have: Will We Find YOU In Florence, The Antiques Capital of Colorado?

This time around we found two creative, fun-loving women who hauled a big rusty vintage tractor crankshaft ($42) t to the counter of the Iron Gate Antique Mall in Florence.

Naturally I could not help asking what they were going to do with that lovely, heavy rusty beast. I knew there had to be a better way to do weight training.

Alison Helsley of Canon City (recently relocated from Dallas, Texas) was delighted to find this work of art in Florence. She is planning to make a table base. She described the look she is going for as: “industrial, modern rustic.”

            Rose-Marie (left) and Alison show off their latest Florence find--a tractor crankshaft

       

Music to my ears! I knew exactly what she meant—and that scared me. But that’s what working around lovely eccentric, rusty and yummy vintage things does to a person.

“It’s going to make an awesome coffee table,” Alison said.

I have no doubt about that. Alison said she is going to use a metal cog as the base and some pallet wood as the top.

As usual, I asked Alison to send True Story Club a photo of the finished product.

Alison was accompanied by her friend, Rose-Marie Gerschefske, who is visiting from Dallas. Rose-Marie got a mini-workout by helping her friend with the crankshaft and lifting it up for a picture.

OK, as usual we had a blast with: Will We Find YOU in Florence, the Antiques Capital of Colorado. But the question is: Will you be the next people we find in Florence?

You might be shopping in Florence and someone might come up and ask you if you want to be found in Florence—and be on this blog. So far, not one person has refused! Everyone has been gracious and shared what they were buying and WHY.

Even if I don’t find YOU in Florence—you are welcome to submit a photo of yourself and/or your friends and family and share what YOU found in Florence. It can be an item, a meal or an experience. I am really not that fussy—as long as we are all having fun, sharing a memory or sharing a creative idea.