A Touch Evil: Who Says Collectibles Can't Be Funny?

What the heck is this doing in an antiques store? Being the Sherlock Holmes (ette) of antiques in Florence, Colorado--I like to think deep thoughts about antiques, collectibles and other inanimate objects. I like to wonder who brought them into a store and where the items journeyed before they came to Florence--the antiques capital of Colorado.

Tee hee!

Can you even guess what this is? I didn't know until I read the tag. My first guess was a cousin of Gumby with a grass skirt. Perhaps a distant relative of the animated character,  lived in the Pacific Islands or went on a vacation and got a sunburn.

I was wrong. But that happens a lot, so I am used to it.

Once a fellow co-worker and friend told me, "You know, you are a touch evil. And you ENJOY it!"

I try to take everything said to me with a thick skin and a twinkle in my slightly evil eye and glommed on to the fact that she said a TOUCH evil. Not totally evil. And yeah, I like it. A little.

So, that's my hint about this object. It's just a touch evil.

Any more guesses?

OK, I'm not totally evil and won't keep you in suspense. It's a voodoo doll.

I didn't see that this item came with any pins. But if it did, I would have stuck a pin or two in it (in some not too painful place, since I am only a touch evil) and "zapped" the person who brought this into an antiques shop.

Hmmm. Seems like there is yet another category of antiques. Oh yeah, I could bore myself and talk about RECOGNIZED categories of antiques and collectibles. But what fun would that be.

The new category is Purgatory Antiques and Collectibles. I heard a nasty rumor that Kovel's is coming out with a price guide in this category on the twelfth of never.

Why Purgatory Antiques and Collectibles? That refers to items that are not crummy enough to be thrown out, donated to a charity or re-gifted. But are way too crappy for an antiques store, but someone tries to slip them in anyway and hope no one notices.

Perhaps we can start a National Purge Purgatory Day and have bonfires to rid the world of these items.

Is It An Antique Mall or An Antiques Mall?

Is it an antique mall or an antiques mall? Antique store or antiques store?

You say tomato and I say tomato. OK, say it however you wish, as long as you don't write: I want to eat a tomatoe. Eeek!

I am not a grammar cop, but it recently came up in conversation when I noted that Florence was sometimes touted as the antique capital of Colorado and at other times--the antiques capital of Colorado.

I asked a few people which they thought was correct. Some believed it was antique capital and a few more believed, antiques capital.

I explained that it is quite simple. If one refers to a town as an antique capital, it suggests the town itself is an antique. Perhaps the first capital in the state? If one refers to a mall or shop as an antique shop, then it suggests the shop or mall is an antique. I went on to say, that if I refer to a woman as an antique, I am saying she is old. If I refer to her as an antiques woman--I am suggesting she is an antiques dealer or into antiques.

 But here is where I rest my case. It's Antiques Roadshow, not Antique Roadshow.

So, that is why I refer to Florence as, the antiques capital of Colorado.

And today,or tomorrow, thank your English teacher if you know the difference when to use antiques or antique. Or the difference between your and you're--as in you're not paying attention to your English teacher.

We Found YOU In Florence, Colorado: Kate Hamel of San Rafael, CA

Yes, we Found You In Florence, Colorado: Kate Hamel of San Rafael, California!

We have a feature on this blog called: Will We Find YOU In Florence? Florence is the antiques capital of Colorado. And as such, the town gets out-of-town, as well as local visitors. I thought it would be interesting to randomly ask people what they found in Florence, as I likewise, find them in Florence.

Recently we met Kate, who is a truck driver.

She walked into The Iron Gate Antique Mall recently and was thrilled by all the awesome shops in Florence. She is pictured with what she found in one shop, some bars of handmade soap.

In the course of her work, Kate has been from Vermont to California. She's made many deliveries to the Denver area and has been to Pueblo, but has never taken the cut-off from Pueblo and visited Florence until this visit

Recently she had a delivery to make at Fremont Motorsports, located at 600 E. Main St.( www.fremontmotorsports.com)  and used the time she had waiting to make delivery to explore the town.

Kate, besides enjoying a successful career as a trucker, is also a furniture designer. She is working on launching her own furniture company. She promised to send pictures, to be posted on this blog, of her reclaimed furniture designs, as well as the link to her upcoming website.

The fact that Kate is creative and artistic, added to her delight in discovering the unique vibe of Florence.

"I've met friendly people, seen wonderful antiques stores and met guineas, chickens, rooster, mules..." Kate said.

Yes, Florence had lots of great antiques shops (more per capita than anywhere in Colorado), and many friends people and animals. But we've found that the people who visit Florence are also extremely friendly and have interesting creative pursuits.

Kate also enjoyed the history of the town and the scenic beauty. Yes, we found Kate in Florence. And she says she was so thrilled with what she found in Florence, that she'll be back. So, it's likely we'll find first-time visitor, Kate Hamel, in Florence again.

But will we find YOU in Florence? If we do, we'll give you a card with the address to this blog and take your picture and ask you what you found in Florence.

And even if I don't find YOU in Florence--you are welcome to send your own pictures of what you found in Florence, for possible inclusion on this blog.

Who Says Collectibles Can't Be Funny? What Would Martha Stewart Do?

I sit up nights wondering what Martha Stewart would do if she was in Florence, the antiques capital of Colorado browsing and noticed the amount of scary clowns running amok.

Would she run screaming to the offices of Architectural Digest for a cleansing? Or would she do what the Queen of Questionable Taste does and look those scary clowns in the eyes and immortalize them for the whole world to see?

I think she is a brave and talented woman with impeccable taste who would figure out a creative way for people to use scary clowns in decorating.

If she were as scared of the clown collectibles as I was, I think she'd have too much class to show it.

Since I have little class, I'll just keep on showing the tour of Florence's scary clowns and giving myself the willies.

 Oh my goodness! I can't decide if that's a price tag around the clown's neck or he's finally had enough of this cold, cruel world and decided to do himself in. Please, don't do it clown!

 OK, I give this clown permission to do himself in.

 Stop the madness. This isn't Ringling Brothers. This is Florence for goodness sake!

This clown is saying,"Ssshhh! I have a secret. The Queen of Questionable Taste must die soon. She has done more to discredit our kind than all the previous generations of clown collectibles mockers before her."

Who Says Collectibles Can't Be Funny? Scary Clown Parade

Just when you thought the scary clown invasion in Florence, Colorado was over--I captured one of the biggest parades of the pesky collectibles yet.

Notice the sign, left by the seller of this clown: Nods Off To Sleep. I tell ya what, I won't be nodding off to sleep if he's in my bedroom.

OK, I'm not the biggest antiques and collectibles expert in the universe. But I have a decent knowledge. And this glass clown bumfoozled me. Not only does he look like a deranged pirate clown--but he has a special skill. He's a slightly naughty clown. It took the King of Impeccable Taste to point out to the INNOCENT Queen of Questionable Taste that this nasty clown is an ashtray and if one puts a cigarette in the middle there, well, um, ah--it looks like his winkie. I assume winkie is the correct term for a clown's private parts.

Some things are better left unspoken. I have no words for this clown--except to get the hell out of the city limits of Florence by midnight or I'll sic the clown with the winkie on him.

Oh, God! The humanity. Apparently the clown convention was meeting in Florence.

Apparently even Jim Beam has went over to the dark side with this clown liquor bottle. I think I'll need a snort or two before I upload the next clown picture.

I think this clown would make a great anniversary gift. Just make sure you don't value your significant other--because I smell divorce papers coming down the pike after someone unwraps this gift.

Who Says Arts & Crafts Can't Be Funny? The Worst Atrocity I've Ever Seen

You want ugly? You want something so horrific it will burn your retinas? Then don't look at this picture. It's the worst of crafts and collectibles. It's the worst mankind can create with a pair of pantyhose, some poly fluff and some demonic artist inspiration.

When The King of Impeccable Taste saw these, he dubbed them Adam and Eve and suggested they go hide their shame. I was too fixated on the fact that these creations from hell were showcased in a frigging Cup O' Noodles box. I kid you not. True story! Everything on this blog is  true--but this is really true. And what transpired after I took the pictures is also true.

I don't have a good enough camera to pick up the fact that these pantyhose beauties were VERY pilled. Like somebody had rubbed them way too much.

I screamed and took another picture and the owner of these geriatric soft poly fluff porn dolls actually told me I could take them home for FREE!

I gasped and looked at him and said, "I thought our vague friendship meant more to you than that!"

Apparently it did not.

Hell no! These atrocities and the frigging Cup O' Noodles box stayed in this store. If I took these home, I'd be demoted from The Queen of Questionable Taste to The Queen of Satan's Interior Decorating Staff.


The Queen of Questionable Taste is a part-time antiques and collectibles dealer and a mocker of  tacky, ugly, FUNky  and horrid collectibles and other questionable items, but takes special glee in mocking scary clowns. The Queen appreciates a good antique and some collectibles, but insists that another man's trash is always trash--unless of course someone is willing to pay the big bucks for it. The Queen used to be a newspaper reporter and also wrote for a major national magazine. The Queen enjoys decorating her home in the tacky pseudo-Victorian gypsy funk style, gardening, reading and acting offended when her husband, The King of Impeccable Taste, makes folk art out of junk he scrounges for free from alleys and other people's yards and out of the Arkansas River. The Queen and her husband have lived in colorful Colorado for over 20 years and LOVE it.

What I Found In Florence, The Antiques Capital of Colorado: Random Acts Of Kindess

As you know, I have a feature around here--where I overhear people saying what they found in Florence. Then I bring out my camera and notepad and ask for their story. So far, no one has refused.

But more often than not, I find something in Florence. This week it was, random acts of kindness. Nice moments that I wouldn't interrupt and necessarily ask for the person's name, story and picture.

First two ladies came into the antiques shop. One collects chickens. She found two that she didn't think she had. These were adorable miniature glass chicken dishes with lids. I could tell she wanted both, but she just got one. I could tell her friend could also tell she wanted both.

They came back a short time later and her friend asked me to get the other chicken out of the showcase. "It's her birthday soon. So I am buying her birthday gift early."

"At least you know she'll absolutely love it," I said. It reminds me of what my husband and I do sometimes. One of us will find something neat that we just feel great about treating ourselves to--and the other will buy it for a far-off birthday or holiday or occasion. My husband started this tradition and claimed that by the time the occasion rolled around, I would forget he bought the item right in front of me. The first time he did that, I scoffed. Surely, I would remember, even if the occasion was several months off.

Not so! And so a tradition was born. And apparently these two cute ladies had the same thing going on. A random act of kindness.

A few hours later another customer came in.

He brought a Marx tin wind-up toy truck to the counter and asked me what the price was. The price was very clearly marked on the label. Apparently he thought the price was too good to be true and wanted me to confirm it. I told him it was a cheap price for a Marx (under $20) but it was because the wind-up mechanism didn't work.

"That's OK," he smiled," I volunteer over at the veteran's nursing home and there is a gentleman who lives there who loves to fix things like this."

Yes, another random act of kindness. A volunteer, spending his own money to bring even more purpose to a veteran's hands and a smile to his face.

Thanks to that veteran for his service and thanks to that volunteer for his service.

And that's just a little of what I found in Florence this week.