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Showing posts with label nightmare fuel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nightmare fuel. Show all posts

Friday, December 22, 2017

Florence,Colorado: Scary Nightmare Fuel Antiques & Collectibles

Florence is the undisputed antiques capital of Colorado. We have more antique stores per capita than any other town in the state. And the town boasts stunning world-class antiques, collectibles and art. But sometimes it's fun to take a tour of the nightmare fuel items that could surely be used to decorate a set of a Stephen King movie.


This is a paper mache dog from the Victorian era. Someone got a little festive for the holidays and put some tinsel in his fur. But it still scared the beejeezus out of me (and many antiques browsers). It turns out he is rare and a child's toy--and not many of them survived. The dogs, not the children. I'm pretty sure most of the children survived their childhoods, since this was only a toy a rich family could afford. However, I won't speak to how they survived psychologically.


Now this imp also scares many browsers. I've heard rumors that Doctors Freud and Spock built their careers on attempting to undo the damage some of these toys had on previous generations.



Now this dude's tongue moves. So does mine, in a silent scream, whenever I take this out of the locked case and show him to customers. He's fashioned as a mask/hat--so you can wear him. New Year's masquerade ball anyone? Criminal disguise? Someone actually told me the other day they were sending their significant other to the store and hoped this item would be their Christmas gift. If someone gifted me with this beauty--well, it wouldn't be an amicable breakup...


Oh my. Vintage sombrero-wearing salt and pepper shakers. Besides how "attractive" they are--when you pop their hats off, the raised shakers rather look like brain matter. I think I'll purchase these as part of my weight loss program.


And if I really want to take off the pounds, I could purchase these clown salt and pepper shakers. The spices come through holes in their feet--which is extra appealing.


Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Who Says Collectibles Can't Be Funny? What Would Martha Stewart Do?

I sit up nights wondering what Martha Stewart would do if she was in Florence, the antiques capital of Colorado browsing and noticed the amount of scary clowns running amok.

Would she run screaming to the offices of Architectural Digest for a cleansing? Or would she do what the Queen of Questionable Taste does and look those scary clowns in the eyes and immortalize them for the whole world to see?

I think she is a brave and talented woman with impeccable taste who would figure out a creative way for people to use scary clowns in decorating.

If she were as scared of the clown collectibles as I was, I think she'd have too much class to show it.

Since I have little class, I'll just keep on showing the tour of Florence's scary clowns and giving myself the willies.

 Oh my goodness! I can't decide if that's a price tag around the clown's neck or he's finally had enough of this cold, cruel world and decided to do himself in. Please, don't do it clown!

 OK, I give this clown permission to do himself in.

 Stop the madness. This isn't Ringling Brothers. This is Florence for goodness sake!


This clown is saying,"Ssshhh! I have a secret. The Queen of Questionable Taste must die soon. She has done more to discredit our kind than all the previous generations of clown collectibles mockers before her."

Who Says Collectibles Can't Be Funny? Scary Clown Parade

Just when you thought the scary clown invasion in Florence, Colorado was over--I captured one of the biggest parades of the pesky collectibles yet.


Notice the sign, left by the seller of this clown: Nods Off To Sleep. I tell ya what, I won't be nodding off to sleep if he's in my bedroom.


OK, I'm not the biggest antiques and collectibles expert in the universe. But I have a decent knowledge. And this glass clown bumfoozled me. Not only does he look like a deranged pirate clown--but he has a special skill. He's a slightly naughty clown. It took the King of Impeccable Taste to point out to the INNOCENT Queen of Questionable Taste that this nasty clown is an ashtray and if one puts a cigarette in the middle there, well, um, ah--it looks like his winkie. I assume winkie is the correct term for a clown's private parts.


Some things are better left unspoken. I have no words for this clown--except to get the hell out of the city limits of Florence by midnight or I'll sic the clown with the winkie on him.


Oh, God! The humanity. Apparently the clown convention was meeting in Florence.


Apparently even Jim Beam has went over to the dark side with this clown liquor bottle. I think I'll need a snort or two before I upload the next clown picture.


I think this clown would make a great anniversary gift. Just make sure you don't value your significant other--because I smell divorce papers coming down the pike after someone unwraps this gift.

Monday, June 15, 2015

The Real Reason Barbie & Ken Never Married Or Had Children Or Sex

Well, I don't know for sure why Barbie and Ken never married and/or had children or maybe even had sex. But I think I have a really good idea why. As you know, I despise clown collectibles and fashions.

I'm not sure if Barbie or Ken did it first. But it happened in the early 1960s when Barbie and Ken were quite young.

I have proof. And as usual, ETSY provides the proof that there is not only a clown fashion scourge among all peoples, classes, nations and dolls--but especially for poor Barbie and Ken.


You can actually purchase this crochet pattern on ETSY to make Barbie look like a sexy clown. Circa 1963.

The only problem is that Ken didn't find this look so sexy.


But Barbie didn't really give a clown crap what Ken thought. If he thought this outfit was cool...well, Barbie could do better.


Ken, Ken, Ken! You should have just kept your clown mask on, so Barbie wouldn't have recognized you.


Now, Ken might have found this current clown/circus fashion a little more sexy-- available on ETSY.
But maybe not. The model looks clown-death warmed over.

See, clown and circus fashions can cause depression, decrease libido and wreck the future of Barbie and Ken.

The Queen of Questionable Taste (also known as The Clown Collectibles Mocker) spends her spare time dusting her clown collectibles hoard with a clown-colored feather duster clenched between her butt cheeks for aerobic exercise and for penance of not joining the rest of the world in loving clown collectibles and fashions.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

The Clown Collectibles Mocker: Creepy Clown Cakes

Creepy clown collectibles are overtaking the world. Fellow clown collectibles mockers should get a kick out of this hilarious website: http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2011/4/6/the-incredible-non-edible-plastic-clown-head.html?currentPage=2


Cake Wrecks.com is approved by the blog owner of True Story Club (aka The Clown Collectibles Mocker.) They don't just make fun of clown cake wrecks, but the fact that they know about the toxic horror of the incredible, non-edible plastic clown heads make my Respect-O-Meter twitch with delight.


The Clown Collectibles Mocker (also known as The Queen of Questionable Taste) spends too much time mocking clown collectibles and clown fashions, accessories and jewelry. In her spare time, she dusts her clown collectibles collection with a clown-colored feather duster clenched between her butt cheeks. Why? Because she can. And because it's good aerobic exercise. The Clown Collectibles Mocker doesn't mock real clowns or people (in public) and hopes that if people run across their handiwork or items on this blog, they realize it is a high honor and just in fun.