Florence, Colorado: What's That Clown Woman Doing With That Horn?

What is that Clown Woman doing with that horn?

As we all know, I enjoy mocking clown collectibles. It all started in Florence, the antiques capital of Colorado where I noticed a disproportionate number of clown collectibles hiding among the classy antiques. Then my mocking spread internationally to Craigslist, Ebay and Etsy.

This latest clown accessory find on Etsy is really SO well done, that it is difficult to find anything to mock or scoff at. But discovering this clown find is really a whole new world for me--and I don't mean like the whole new world you'd find in a Disney movie.

Uh oh, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore Toto, where clowns are just clowns--or even fully dressed clowns. I think we are in over our heads on this one.

I won't speculate on what this woman is doing with that horn. Where I come from we'd say: "I think she's blowing it out her arse." But since she seems like such a nice Clown Woman, I don't think she's blowing it out her arse. Or is she?

What she is doing, according to the ETSY ad, is modeling a: Clown Gold Latex Rubber Circus Costume.

Last week when I was doing my spring/summer wardrobe shopping at Wal-Mart, I thought," Just picking up a few packages of bargain panties, a jumbo bra and some old-lady shorts and T-shirts is a drag. Something is missing. I really need a clown gold latex rubber circus costume."

But I didn't know where to find one until now.

I was SO excited when I found this outfit. They can even custom make it in my size. I wonder if House of Harlot does plus sizes? Of course they do!

  Holy Cold Bosoms, Batman! Is that sheer material I see, with just some pasties covering the nipples? And by pasties, I don't mean Cornish Pasties, that I ate one too many of--and could never fit into this clown costume. It's a bit too nippy in Colorado for this outfit.

But I'm a rebel and just might want to spice up my Wal-Mart wardrobe and have something appropriate to wear to a church potluck or charity fundraiser.

Oh, no, Queen of Questionable Taste. You can't afford me. Plus, you are a mocker of clown collectibles and accessories and you don't deserve me. At least that's what the Clown Woman appears to be telling me in this picture. She's also telling me that her waist measurement is the same size in circumference as just one of my tree-trunk thighs.

She's also telling me that ETSY ain't your granny's craft store and the House of Harlot has outfitted numerous celebrities such as Beyonce--and this all above my pay grade.

This outfit is $1,162.70. I believe the House of Harlot should give me a 70 cent discount for mentioning them on my blog and making it an even $1,162. Considering who probably reads my blog, they will get no business from my eight blog readers, and I should pay them $1,162 just for having the temerity to mention their classy clown costume on my tacky blog.

But I've learned a lot from looking for clown collectibles on ETSY. I learned a new word from the House of Harlot: Fetishistas. Most of their outfits are made of latex, rubber, leather and luxury fabrics. I wouldn't know a luxury fabric if it bit me in the arse. And I didn't know that clown horns make nice arse props. So, I don't want to ever hear that blog is NOT educational. I bet you've learned more about clown collectibles, clown dating and clown accessories than your nightmares and fantasies ever imagined.

The Queen of Questionable Taste mocks clown collectibles and clown accessories on her blog. In her spare time she lives a life of hypocrisy and quiet desperation, and spends up to 20 hours a week dusting her clown collectibles collection with a feather duster wedged between her butt cheeks, dressed in a latex clown outfit she made herself to save $1,000.

Florence, Colorado: Antiques Capital and Bargains Galore

I'm cheap. I could write a whole blog just on being thrifty. Wait, I'm thrifty and that sounds better.
Yet my house is decorated with all sorts of antiques and vintage items. How do I do it?

Years before I ever moved to Florence, the antiques capital of Colorado, I'd make the short drive from Colorado Springs to take a look at the stores here. That was a long time ago, before there were as many stores and galleries and there are today.

I purchased that art deco style bowl for $7 in Florence at the annual Junktique open air market, held in Sept. as part of Pioneer Days. That was the first bargain I purchased in Florence nearly two decades ago. And the Victorian solid oak sewing cabinet the bowl is sitting on--is the last thing I purchased a few weeks ago for under $150. No, it won't be the last thing I purchase though, because the bargains are just too good.

I go for over-the-top gaudy Victorian things at times. Don't hate me--I just can't help myself. I love this Victorian hanging magazine and periodical rack with the angel and all that fancy scrolling. I don't store anything in it--I just use it as a wall hanging. Under $40.

I purchased it at The Iron Gate Antique Mall (during a sale). The Iron Gate is now The Loralie Antique Mall, located at 109 W. Main St.

Speaking of sales and bargains... I find bargains all year round here. But I think January is one of the better months to pick up exceptional bargains. January isn't as slow as one would think in the antiques capital. Lots of people have Christmas cash and lots of dealers come into town looking to replenish stock in their out-of-town or out-of-state shops. And many dealers with booths and shops in Florence are having sales to make room for new spring and summer stock.

Naturally I don't have time to get to every venue in Florence to scope out every exceptional buy--but here's one of my favorites.

Yes, it's a vintage hand-stitched dinosaur quilt. Child-sized, but fairly big. I'm not a textiles expert, but I'd say it's from the 1920s to 1950s and in nice shape. I nearly fell over when it came into a dealer's booth at The Loralie Antique Mall, 109 W. Main St., because of the price tag of only $20. And then I really was delighted when the dealer marked it down to just $10. Wh-a-a-t? Yes, $10. Don't worry, it's still there. Or it was a day or so ago. I didn't snap it up for the simple reason, I don't have room in my house.

Then I got to looking at some of the other sales dealers at The Loralie Antiques Mall are having right now.

Yes, a whole shelf of markdowns in one booth.

And some dealers have put their whole booths on sale. Sales range from 20 percent to 75 percent off.

See, 75 percent off in one booth.

Yes, Florence has bargains galore.

Florence, Colorado: New Vintage Book Dealer

Don't tell anyone. When I see books, I'm like a kid in a candy store. So I was delighted to see a new vendor at The Loralie Antique Mall, that specializes in vintage and books on history and Colorado.

Ah, pull up a chair and browse all the tomes. Everything is organized by category.

And the newest dealer at The Loralie Antique Mall also has a few Oriental antiquities for sale, as well as some other varieties, such as the lyre table, pottery, cameras and a bit of lighting.

It's always fun to see what's old (and new) in Florence, the antiques capital of Colorado.

The Loralie Antique Mall is located at 109 W. Main St. and is open seven days a week.

Florence, Colorado: All I Want For Valentine's Day Is Lamb Livers

Are you totally stumped about what to get your Valentine? You know, the person who has everything? Never fear, I have found the PERFECT gift. Lamb Livers.

More accurately,--a vintage tin that used to hold lamb livers.

No, no. I am not suggesting you give your Valentine anything gruesome that would remind them of the Valentine's Day Massacre.

I'm suggesting that you can purchase the weirdest, I mean, um the most unique Valentine's gift ever in Florence, which is the antiques capital of Colorado. Now we might be able to dub Florence as the epicenter of the most tasty and funky Valentine's gifts ever.

I've never been probed by aliens and I've passed all my mental health exams, but I am convinced there are hidden messages in some of the window displays in Florence.

IF you have the courage, continue reading this blog to see what I mean. Or better yet, next time you are in Florence--see for yourself.

Yes, this tasty vintage item is actually in the Valentine's window display at The Loralie Antique Mall, located at 109 W. Main St.

Read on--we'll have some more interesting views of what happens in Florence.

And always remember: What happens in Florence, doesn't stay in Florence.

Florence, Colorado: It's A Good Year For Tomatoes & The Rialto Theater

It's always a good year for the 1923 Rialto Theater on Florence's Main Street. Because each year that passes, the old beauty (one of the last opera houses built in Colorado) is closer to being restored to its former glory.

It's always good to support the Rialto and all the fundraising efforts. But now is your chance to give to a good cause and have some fun.

OK, it's not a good year for tomatoes at all. But it's a great time to attend the play: It's A Bad Year For Tomatoes, being performed at the Rialto to raise money for the restoration.

The tomatoey play is being brought to Florence by the Fremont Civic Theater. Did you know that the FCT is Colorado's oldest continuously active theater organization? I did not know. But I do now. So I've redeemed myself. You'd know that interesting tidbit and much more though if you visited the group's Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/FremontCivicTheater/

Oh, the poster is a bit chopped. Sorry. I notice the play is rated PG-13, so I'm going to guess that perhaps a tomato or two might also get chopped. Perhaps made into ketchup or something.

I have no idea what the play is about. Tomatoes maybe? But I do know I am going.

This will be the first performance held at the Rialto for decades and buying a ticket or two is one step closer to seeing the total restoration of the Rialto, located at 209 W. Main St.

Tickets are available by calling 719-275-8989 or at Absolute Accounting and City Market in Canon City. Or at Heartland Antiques and the Fox Den in Florence.

And while you in town gawking at the beauty of the Rialto and planning to see the tomato play, you might as well come a little early and browse the town's many antiques shops and art galleries. And of course, have a morsel or two to eat at some of Florence's great restaurants.

I was just stuffing my cakehole at Ito's Japanese Restaurant and Steakhouse the other night, thinking it was totally cool that I don't have to leave our tiny burg to get some of the most awesome food ever.

And now I don't have to leave town to have a fun night at the theater!

The CellHouse In Canon City, Colorado: Fun Shopping Experience Bar None

When I close my eyes and imagine a fun shopping experience, I imagine a shop where I can buy a motorcycle, a cutting board, some office furniture and perhaps pick up a bit of salmon or goat cheese for my next soiree, all at one store.

Actually I've never imagined that. But now that is possible to buy all those things in one place at The CellHouse in Canon City, Colorado.

This unique shop, located at 602 Main St. offers a huge selection of prisoner-produced items in conjunction with the Colorado Correctional Industries.

And the shop also has many items that are not produced by inmates, such as surplus office furniture at low prices.

So far, on my one visit to this semi-new business I purchased a big jar of honey and will probably return for more.

It's worth a visit to The CellHouse just to see the quality and diversity of the inmates' work.

More information on this fascinating business can be found at: https://www.facebook.com/thecellhouse/

Antiques Store Humor: Seeded, Please Keep Off

I never knew there was such a thing as antiques store humor. And God help me, I wish I'd never found out.

Not really. I enjoy a good joke as much as anyone.

The other day a customer came into ye olde antiques mall and told me he had purchased a sign many moons ago, similar to the one pictured below, in the store I work in.

I wondered where this was going.

The customer, an older man, proclaimed,"The first one of my daughters that gets pregnant, I'm going to post my sign on her lawn: SEEDED, PLEASE KEEP OFF."

I chuckled, then replied, "Oh, dad!"

He admitted his girls might have reason to say "oh dad" but I could tell he was going to do it anyway.

Hmm, I was thinking his proposed public use of his antique "seeded" sign might be one of the most ingenious methods of birth control devised.